Self Realization is the first step to improvement.

What exactly does normal mean?

“Here we go again with the pain I feel isn’t real
But in my mind, I find myself in places with names but not faces
My memory races at speeds
Hundred degrees
My soul bleeds, devil must’ve planted the seed
Now it feels like my back’s against the wall
I’m taking the fall
Whenever I call nobody’s responding at all
But I don’t know who I can trust
The screaming my name
I need somebody to help me out of the frame
All I’m trying to do is just master me
All I want to do is smoke a blast-to-beat
But something keeps talking to me
Consciously, responsibly, keeps haunting me from dusk ’til dawn
Everything has something for you”

It’s really rare that a Linkin Park song could express EXACTLY how I feel like.. And on this good friday morning, when life is falling apart around me, I’m up at 2:30 in the morning writing about how I have voices in my head that are telling me things. No I’m not schizophrenic.. at least I hope not.. But I am definitely tired of this race that I’ve been running.. and life is starting to wear me out.. The pressures of the world are definitely getting to me, and rambo Ronnie mode is slowly wearing out.. I am coming to painful realizations everyday that I cannot do things on my own.. as much as I would like to think that I can.. 

I have never felt trials this hard, but I have also never been so humbled, and brought face to face with reality before.. When the very fabric of you starts to unwind, and everything you knew and built your life on is ripped apart at the very foundation, there’s only one verse that comes to my mind.. Jer 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you..” And the voice in the back of my head goes.. “Are you absolutely sure about that??” Cause where I’m looking at it from.. I don’t really like the plans that you’ve had so far.. cause somehow things end up hurting like hell.. and then I wonder as to How much of it was really “Your kingdom come.. MY will be done..?!” 

All things said and done.. I am still not sure that I deserve what I am being put through right now.. but then I bring myself back to what today is all about.. Good Friday.. the Day that we remember the crucifiction of Jesus.. The day we think about the price that was paid for the sin of all mankind.. And I am reminded of another song.. In the words of Natalie Grant..

“This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held”

And as everything fell.. and is still falling.. I know that i am held.. I know that I am held safe at the cost of a cross that bore the blood of an innocent man who died for my sins.. A love that cost so much and yet he was willing to pay the price, so that I could be forgiven for my sins and my shortcomings.. The grace that was spent on me just amazes me.. and gives me hope.. “that maybe redemption has stories to tell.. Maybe forgiveness is right where I fell” And as I go to bed tonight.. I pray with a heart that is not heavy anymore.. I choosing hope in confidence that I have a plan set for me and I am going to set myself towards it and trust in God to make straight my paths.. It’s rather difficult, and the anger at the unfairness of life and the situations I find myself in are rather distressing.. But I know that I am not walking alone.. I never have been.. I have been held, and he continues to hold me in his love.. and I am blessed to call him my saviour..!!